When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating.
Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.
The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own.
What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.
Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by.
Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.
Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued.
How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.
So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!!
It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.
Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves.
One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea.
Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?’. Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react.
Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.
One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.
How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.
If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.
No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.
Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain.
If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other's company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.
Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.
You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.
For maore details on proven ideas for saving your marriage check out Save My Marriage Now E-Book!
Regards, James
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Express Your Love With Flowers
Flowers are a heartfelt, natural way to lift our spirits. They can provide a smile for a tired face or even brighten a room for a convalescent. Just imagine your favorite flower. Are you smiling yet? You are definitely in a better mood.
There isn't a doubt that beautiful surroundings provide us with a favorite environment that helps us thrive. Flowers are an simple and affordable way to add a splash of color and emotion into your life.
Tropical flowers are an exciting new change from traditional floral gifts like roses , and with modern shipping methods they are available worldwide. Their large size and vibrant colors make them an impressive gift for favorite occasions like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries.
Flowers can be purchased from local florists or "Grower Direct" services that ship them worldwide. If purchasing flowers to be shipped, make sure someone is waiting to accept the order and that they are not left with the mail on a back porch in the sun all afternoon until someone comes home from work. Flowers are shipped without any water supply, and neglecting them for hours on top of the shipping time can take days off their lifespan.
If you buy tropical flowers like heliconias or gingers, or if you are lucky enough to live in the tropics and have them in your garden, here are a select few tips to help them thrive and to extend their shelf life as cut flowers.
Caring for Cut Tropical Flowers
1. Water your plants well and give them a large drink prior to cutting. This is significant for foliage plants as well because a few varieties “drink” incredibly little after cutting. Instead, they live off their stored sap.
Tropical plants have adapted to their natural environment which means frequent but short periods of heavy tropical downpour.
Look at the flower heads and notice how the petals are “cupped” to catch and store as much water as possible. These plants drink from the top and like being showered with water.
Look at the pattern on the leaves. The ridges channel water down to the stem where it's absorbed into the many layers of the plant.
2. If your flowers have been out of water for any length of time after cutting, submerge them entirely in the bath for half an hour before placing them in a vase.
3. Cut three to four inches off the stem and then place them in a tall vase FULL of clean water.
4. Use a spray bottle to mist them at least twice a day.
5. Change the water and trim a new end on the stems every second or third day.
You are able to double the vase life of your cut flowers by applying these elementary techniques.
There isn't a doubt that beautiful surroundings provide us with a favorite environment that helps us thrive. Flowers are an simple and affordable way to add a splash of color and emotion into your life.
Tropical flowers are an exciting new change from traditional floral gifts like roses , and with modern shipping methods they are available worldwide. Their large size and vibrant colors make them an impressive gift for favorite occasions like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries.
Flowers can be purchased from local florists or "Grower Direct" services that ship them worldwide. If purchasing flowers to be shipped, make sure someone is waiting to accept the order and that they are not left with the mail on a back porch in the sun all afternoon until someone comes home from work. Flowers are shipped without any water supply, and neglecting them for hours on top of the shipping time can take days off their lifespan.
If you buy tropical flowers like heliconias or gingers, or if you are lucky enough to live in the tropics and have them in your garden, here are a select few tips to help them thrive and to extend their shelf life as cut flowers.
Caring for Cut Tropical Flowers
1. Water your plants well and give them a large drink prior to cutting. This is significant for foliage plants as well because a few varieties “drink” incredibly little after cutting. Instead, they live off their stored sap.
Tropical plants have adapted to their natural environment which means frequent but short periods of heavy tropical downpour.
Look at the flower heads and notice how the petals are “cupped” to catch and store as much water as possible. These plants drink from the top and like being showered with water.
Look at the pattern on the leaves. The ridges channel water down to the stem where it's absorbed into the many layers of the plant.
2. If your flowers have been out of water for any length of time after cutting, submerge them entirely in the bath for half an hour before placing them in a vase.
3. Cut three to four inches off the stem and then place them in a tall vase FULL of clean water.
4. Use a spray bottle to mist them at least twice a day.
5. Change the water and trim a new end on the stems every second or third day.
You are able to double the vase life of your cut flowers by applying these elementary techniques.
regards,
James
Monday, August 10, 2009
Can This Relationship Be Helped?
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often lovers come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their loving relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship and avoid heartbreak?
You Have A Lot To Learn
You Have A Lot To Learn
Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: “As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It’s generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it’s time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.”
When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.
Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “nice guy” will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.
Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She’s tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.
Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!
When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.
Let’s take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria’s unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria’s anger. He believes that being a “nice guy” will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.
Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She’s tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.
Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin’s decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!
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